Getting this new puppy got me thinking. Since I am finally getting a dog that I've been wanting for so long, some fears have been creeping up on me. In my puppy post, I mentioned how I had a dog many years ago that I had to give up because I wasn't around much. Since that day, I promised that the next time I ever got one, I'm going to be more committed and responsible to my next companion. Fifteen years later, here I am...full of doubt for myself and worrying that I am not going to be able to live up to my own expectations.

What if I'm flaring, how am I going to handle the puppy? Am I going to be able to take her for walks? Am I going to be able to brush her? What if I can't?

All these thoughts, have been running through my head since my husband and I decided to get a new addition to our family. And since then, I realized how different I am now than I was 15 or so years ago. This fear has made me more determined to control what I can. Some people call it "over-thinking" things and being overly cautious but I call it "being prepared". I think ahead now and come up with worse-case scenarios that I can deter from.

I already have it in head that if I'm unable to take Sophie for a walk because my joints are hurting, then I'm going to make sure I play with her for a longer amount of time in the house (i.e., playing some tug-of-war with some rope and tug toys, stimulating her with some sit & stay or come-to-me training, etc.). If I know that I'm in a flare and in pain and don't have any energy, I'm going to take naps when she naps. I have also already checked out some doggy daycares that I can take her to so she can relieve some puppy energy. The cool thing is that I found one a few blocks from where I work! Just like kids...

The whole puppy situation has got me thinking about my life since I've been diagnosed with Lupus. "What if I can't?" seems to be the running question in the back of my mind.  I've been so fearful of what the next day is going to bring. When I look back into my teens and 20's, I realize how fearless I used to be. I never thought twice about trying something new and....just did it. I even hiked up a mountain for Pete's sake! I rarely had any doubts with my abilities.

What happened?

Every time I ended up in the hospital is what happened. Knowing I was in really bad shape from (what the doctors told me) is what happened. I became afraid of my looks due to my illness and medications. I became afraid of eating certain things. I became afraid of over-doing things.  I became afraid.

I've learned to adjust my life now and trying to prevent things as much as I can. I think of worse-case scenarios and try to take any necessary steps to avoid them. I take naps. I eat better. I take care of myself better.

I guess this whole Lupus thing has given me many lessons in life...invaluable ones too. I don't think I would have the knowledge I have had I not been diagnosed.

And somehow this little puppy that I haven't even gotten yet has given me determination and motivation to do the best that I can in caring for her and myself. We are going to be two peas in a pod.

For years I've been wanting a dog but have been hesitant because the last one I had, I ended up giving away to a lovely lady that I worked with. To this day, I carried the guilt of having to give my little one away even though I knew it was the right thing to do. You see, I was in my 20's when I had gotten him. Being in my 20's I was never home and didn't have the time to raise him properly. I miss him so much everyday to this day but I know I did the right thing. Ever since then I made a vow to myself that when I do decide to get another dog, I will make time to properly train and care for him/her.

Well, a couple of years ago, I decided I wanted to get one. Unfortunately, we were still living in my small condo, a carriage house style where you had to climb a flight of stairs to get in and out of. I knew with my lupus, it would be difficult at times to potty train a dog especially when I had to run up and down stairs every few hours when I wasn't feeling well. So I decided to take it one step at at time. First I had to pick a breed. Check. I already knew I wanted a small dog that didn't shed. I'm small myself and having big dogs knock me around wasn't going to be ideal. The second step was finding where to get my dog. That came easy. A coworker had just gotten a small dog (a pomeranian/bichon mix) and the person she got her dog from was planning on another litter in the near future. So I put my name out there. Turns out this person had another dog that was going to have a litter. This one was a Teddy Bear. The mom was a mix of Yorkie, Maltese, Pomeranian and Shih-tzu mix and the father was a Bichon. I wanted one of these but because I wasn't quite ready to get one on the spot, I decided to wait until she had her next litter.

The next litter came almost a year later (2012). There was only one little male puppy. Well, by this time, my husband and I just bought a house that we were remodeling...and we had some MAJOR renovations going on. Once again I had to pass on this one.

To my surprise, I recently received an email letting me know there was another litter...with pictures. I fell in love immediately...and what good timing! The majority of the renovations were done and I'm at the point where life and it's stresses has been getting to me....A LOT.

So I showed these pictures to my husband. Right then and there, he suggested getting the puppy since I've been wanting a dog for a few years now. I made an excuse and walked away. All night I kept looking at the pictures and doing some daydreaming. The next day, I showed the pictures to my husband again (I just couldn't help it!) and this time, he told me to get the puppy. And there the story goes, I called the lady and told her we were in. ......YIKES!!!....

I realize raising a puppy is going to be a lot of work, especially for Lupies but I also know that they can give people a lot of joy in the long run. I've also heard how pets can bring health benefits, like lowering blood pressure, decreasing stress, improve mood, lower cholesterol, etc. I could use a lot of that too. I guess we'll see how everything pans out but I have a really good feeling about her in my heart. I'm not sure where it's coming from but it's there.

I picked out a name for her the next day...meet Sophie (this is the picture of her that I received in that email):


We get her in a couple of weeks and I'm BEYOND excited!!!