I have always known that I wanted kids especially going into my 30's. Well, I'm 39 now and currently on Prednisone, Plaquenil and Cellcept to treat my SLE and lupus nephritis. I know that I can't get pregnant on Cellcept since it's a class D drug but my doctor is hopefully going to take me off of it sometime this year since my kidneys have greatly improved and are functioning normally now. I had one miscarriage in 2011 that was considered a chemical pregnancy and ever since then, I have been mourning the loss of it. 

I guess my concerns right now are if I can even get pregnant because of my age and having been on Cellcept and Methothrexate (in the past). Also, am I going to be able to handle a baby with my lupus. But regardless, I still want to have a child. As much as I am always happy to hear others having babies, I can't help but feel a sting wishing that that was me. 

Right now I am doing a lot of wishful thinking and have gone to a fertility specialist to get my body checked out. I don't think I want to go through any type of fertility treatments because I'm afraid of how my lupus is going to react. I guess going there is just my way of knowing if it's even possible for me to get pregnant again. I want to go see the high risk OB I saw after my miscarriage for another pre-pregnancy consult but I find myself continuing to try to talk myself out of it for feeling silly going when I don't know if I can even get pregnant again. 

Am I beating myself up too much or am I being realistic? 

Getting this new puppy got me thinking. Since I am finally getting a dog that I've been wanting for so long, some fears have been creeping up on me. In my puppy post, I mentioned how I had a dog many years ago that I had to give up because I wasn't around much. Since that day, I promised that the next time I ever got one, I'm going to be more committed and responsible to my next companion. Fifteen years later, here I am...full of doubt for myself and worrying that I am not going to be able to live up to my own expectations.

What if I'm flaring, how am I going to handle the puppy? Am I going to be able to take her for walks? Am I going to be able to brush her? What if I can't?

All these thoughts, have been running through my head since my husband and I decided to get a new addition to our family. And since then, I realized how different I am now than I was 15 or so years ago. This fear has made me more determined to control what I can. Some people call it "over-thinking" things and being overly cautious but I call it "being prepared". I think ahead now and come up with worse-case scenarios that I can deter from.

I already have it in head that if I'm unable to take Sophie for a walk because my joints are hurting, then I'm going to make sure I play with her for a longer amount of time in the house (i.e., playing some tug-of-war with some rope and tug toys, stimulating her with some sit & stay or come-to-me training, etc.). If I know that I'm in a flare and in pain and don't have any energy, I'm going to take naps when she naps. I have also already checked out some doggy daycares that I can take her to so she can relieve some puppy energy. The cool thing is that I found one a few blocks from where I work! Just like kids...

The whole puppy situation has got me thinking about my life since I've been diagnosed with Lupus. "What if I can't?" seems to be the running question in the back of my mind.  I've been so fearful of what the next day is going to bring. When I look back into my teens and 20's, I realize how fearless I used to be. I never thought twice about trying something new and....just did it. I even hiked up a mountain for Pete's sake! I rarely had any doubts with my abilities.

What happened?

Every time I ended up in the hospital is what happened. Knowing I was in really bad shape from (what the doctors told me) is what happened. I became afraid of my looks due to my illness and medications. I became afraid of eating certain things. I became afraid of over-doing things.  I became afraid.

I've learned to adjust my life now and trying to prevent things as much as I can. I think of worse-case scenarios and try to take any necessary steps to avoid them. I take naps. I eat better. I take care of myself better.

I guess this whole Lupus thing has given me many lessons in life...invaluable ones too. I don't think I would have the knowledge I have had I not been diagnosed.

And somehow this little puppy that I haven't even gotten yet has given me determination and motivation to do the best that I can in caring for her and myself. We are going to be two peas in a pod.