I can't believe it's only been two days since I picked Sophie. I absolutely adore her. She has not only given me happiness that I never imagined I could have but she has also given me something to look forward to in life. You see, I would love to have a child. I'm 38 years old now and I'm not sure if I'm ever going to be able to have any children. I have some blood clotting factors that are getting in my way (antiphospolipid antibodies and +SSA and +SSB factors), not to mention my lupus nephritis. This does not mean that people who have these can never have children but we just have to be more cautious. Given my age and these other factors, I'm not sure I want to risk it. I guess it depends on what day I'm having if you ask me...but today, I'm feeling "okay" with it.

So I mentioned in my previous post about an experience I had recently that caused me a lot of heartache. Actually I went through a whole range of emotion from beginning to end. One third of women experience this. I'm talking about a miscarriage. Mine was considered a chemical pregnancy, a very early miscarriage. My husband and I always thought we would have kids one day but haven't really been actively trying. This pregnancy came as a total surprise. The only reason why I even tested was because I was due to have a CT scan of my chest and was asked if I was pregnant. Just to be on the safe side, I tested. Low and behold, there it was, a 2nd line. I couldn't believe how happy I was to see it. I guess you never really know how you're going to feel about something until it actually happens to you.

We had shared our news with only a few people...my parents, my husband's parents, my sister, my husband's sister and my husband's aunt. Everyone was so unbelievably happy for us. I saw a sparkle in my husband's eye when he gave the news to his parents. My mother had the same sparkle in her eyes. It was the most amazing feeling.

My body felt great as well. No aches and pains for once. I was on cloud 9. I started to imagine our future life with a child in tow and I even started to talk to my baby. I sang songs with him/her and danced to music that I pictured us dancing to when they're in their toddler years. I grew attached.

Then the day came when I called the nurse to tell her about the bleeding I was experiencing. I prayed for days that the little bean would make it through. Unfortunately, that wasn't the case.  That was only about 3 weeks ago.


I started to read a book my sister had recommended called Heaven is for Real: A Little Boy's Astounding Story of His Trip to Heaven and Back. There's a section in there that I related to. You'll know what I'm talking about if you read it. It gave me peace of mind.  

I still think about my little bean everyday. He/she will always be in my heart but I know my baby is in a better place now.

I spent the day today with my wonderful family. I don't have any children of my own but I do have a niece and two nephews (10, 8 and 3 years old) that mean the world to me.

My morning didn't start out so great as my neck pain and muscle soreness started on me late last night. I was up at 3am and had broken sleep the rest of the night. I gave up and stayed awake. I contemplated on cancelling my visit with the kids so I could spend the day laying on the couch, watching T.V., and resting....with a little bit of feeling-sorry-for-myself mixed in.

I'm so glad I didn't. I had a chance to see my youngest nephew to celebrate his 3rd birthday.  I walked in with a large Buzz Lightyear balloon in one hand and his birthday presents in another. His face lit up like a Christmas tree! He couldn't stop smiling and was chatting away as fast as his little mouth could go. He was so happy. Just seeing him and being in that moment with him melted my heart. I don't know what it is but there's magic in kids that can make all the negative things in life go away.  All afternoon, I felt no pain. I wasn't exhausted like I was earlier in the morning and I had some sort of "second wind". We had lunch together, I helped them with their Kumon, we made birthday cards and played in the snow.

As I drove home, I thought for sure my body would go back to the state it was in earlier in the morning but didn't. Instead, I felt energized...and happy.

I know it's not always easy raising kids but I can see how they are very much worth every effort. They truly are tiny blessings and I'm hoping one day God will bless me with children of my own.